Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I want her autograph on my taint
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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