You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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