I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
