i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
