Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
