I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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