Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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