What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
