You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
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It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
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NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed