I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
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I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
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This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.