dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
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Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
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Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.