totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
