Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
