I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
