I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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