i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
