Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
