I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
