Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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