Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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