Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Welp...herpes.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
