That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
