Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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