foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
