I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Randomize
