How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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