I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
