whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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