There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My penis needs a shock collar
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
