his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
It's never too late to be topless.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
