If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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