she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
