she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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