she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
my shit smells like andre
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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