I didn't shave. On purpose
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
