I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
