here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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