my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Randomize
