The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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