The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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