im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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