Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
