u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
