i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
