i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
