She is in my trunk
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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