i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
