what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
