I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
