I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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