If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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