Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
