she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
