I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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