The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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