It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
