I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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