i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Small penises have feelings too.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
