dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Randomize
