dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
